Classic cold jokes

In the hospital, a pregnant woman was dystocia, and the doctor took the initiative to give her a probiotic.

Years have smoothed your edges and corners, in fact, you are being diskbed.

Rumors: WiFi has radiation that can cause cancer.
Rumors: Not afraid, I have a kind of cactus radiation protection!
It is a model of ruling. . .

"Please be sure to be happy than me."
"Be happy than you? That's too bad..."

Young, when you look at your parents' feelings of using high-tech products, it is the feeling that your parents watched you trying to talk about a love and can't talk about it.

Disadvantage is a blessing? Then I wish you happiness like the East China Sea.

When I came back from work in the evening, I found that the light bulb in the living room was broken. When I bought it, when I changed it, my wife came back and saw it and said: Heaven is dark, can you see it? I will turn the light on for you.

When I was in love, my dad always disagreed with my husband's relationship until my husband first visited and took off his shoes. . .
My dad sighed and said: Young man, this taste is the same as my niece, you take it away!

"Grandpa, I will interview you on the spot. How long have you been doing this morning exercise?"
"Girls don't block! I am in a hurry!"

A woman of 300 pounds did not see her husband lying on the sofa, and he was put to death. The law does not pursue her responsibility, because the law does not blame.

You are not really fat, but the soil is used when the woman is licking the earth.

End of the year,
Former boss: the money is rolling
This year's boss: layoffs! roll! roll!

I was eating at home, the iron buddies came to the phone, my wife reached out to help me connect and took the hands-free, and then I heard him excitedly said: "The last two sisters I came out, you..."
I sneezed. He silenced and said, "Can you borrow me hundreds of dollars? Nothing." After the call, it was broken.

Me: "Dad, why is your family so poor?"
Father: "Not yet to make you head early."

Whenever I eat delicious, I will think of you, I think you have not eaten, I will eat more fragrant.

Last year's wedding anniversary took my wife to buy a necklace, bracelet, spent more than 10,000, I feel some pain.
This year, my wife asked me to give her a love letter of 5,000 words. I think it is more costly.

Mom looked at me all day at home and frowned, came over and asked me: "Son, are you so worried?"
I sighed and said, "I am not looking for a girlfriend, I am dying!"
My mom comforted me and said, "It's okay, look at the opening."
I shook my head and said, "Mom, you don't understand, I don't want to end with my dad!"

"What's your job?"
"Oh. My job is to kill zombies."
"Well? But there are no zombies in this world!"
"How do you think they didn't?"

Two old people went to the nursing home. . .
The 70-year-old man entered, and the 90-year-old did not enter.
Staff: "Sorry, Grandpa, we don't accept old people who are alive. Your information shows that you have a son."
90-year-old man: "Fuck, my son just entered!"

When the staff is tired. Usually do cows and horses, and at the end of the year, they will also perform programs to give the leaders amusement.

When I take an English test, do I always think that I know each letter separately, but I don’t even know what it means? In fact, there are similar phenomena in Chinese, such as "no smoking."

Going to the mall, the sales clerk asked, "How are you barefoot?"
Me: "Why would I come to buy shoes?"
Salesperson: "Understood, you still want to buy underwear? Right?"

After breaking up with her boyfriend, after the mother knows, it’s strange to say: How do you now have a young couple talking about a love that is always divided and combined?
Dad: Then do you know why the road was repaired, dug, dug and repaired?
I. . .

Class reunion, the best classmate said: "I will pay for it this time!"
I opposed it on the spot: "Why do you pay the bill this time? You pay for it every time!"

My wife had a fitness card plan to lose weight. After a month of fitness, she said to me with joy: "You see, my belt can only be buckled in the first hole, and today I can buckle to the second hole."
I looked at it and said, "Well, your hands are getting bigger."

Me: "Mom, I want to buy a golden hair."
Mom: "What?"
Me: "Golden Retriever, eight hundred puppies."
Mom: "What dog is so expensive, no."
Me: "Super cute, I can pull out my sister when I am raised."
After three seconds. . . My mom: "Is there a ready-made big dog?"

It’s not too fresh to go shopping at noon.
Boss: Just arrived in the morning, all fresh.
Me: This dish looks like it? !
Boss: From the morning to the present, it thinks that no one wants to be himself, this is not dejected!
I. . .

Go to a small restaurant that I often go to, and I am very familiar with it because I often go there! After the meal was settled for 104 yuan, my boss and I said: Let’s wipe it out.
Boss: lying in the trough, wiping the zero can not, give you four pieces!
I. . .

In life, there is always a way to go: for example, when I went out to work, I found that I didn’t bring my mobile phone.

How many parents envy Xu Xian and Bai Niangzi, the two children were born, one was under the Guanta, one was born, no need to bring children, no tutoring.
When you meet again, the children are in the middle of the champion!

Colleagues in the department talked about whether they can fall in love within the company. I said smartly: "The department can't talk inside, but can talk to other departments..."

Mom looked at me all day at home and frowned, came over and asked me: "Son, are you so worried?"
I sighed and said, "I am not looking for a girlfriend, I am dying!"
Mom comforted me and said, "It's okay, look at it!"
I shook my head and said, "Mom, you don't understand, I don't want to go out with my dad."
my mother. . .

I am so big, I haven’t tried Di, I really want to experience it. But they can't stand the noisy place. Is there a kind of disco that uses zither or piano music to make BGM, and drink beverages mainly based on flower tea?

That day, my wife bought a plastic hammer in the living room. When I said that I was angry with her, she used a plastic hammer to lick me. I don't think it hurts to follow her.
Yesterday, I really got angry with her. She took a plastic hammer to fill the water. I am not afraid of it. After all, the water is also soft.
Then she put the plastic hammer filled with water into the refrigerator. . .
She closed the refrigerator door for a second, and I apologize directly! ! Very sincere!

My mom always boasted that Liu Ayi’s son was studying well, and that people were sensible and would help Liu Ayi to work. Unlike me, Miss One, I don’t know.
I said: Aunt Liu’s son is so good, or I will chase him, and chase you to be a son-in-law.
Mom immediately shook her head: no, no! The child listened to his mother, no opinion!
I. . .

I asked him: Why didn't you go to work today?
Cousin: The big tongue boss said, when I went to work, I slammed the "sand paper" of ten dollars. As a result, I heard it as "burning paper".
Me: That doesn't mean to fire you.
The cousin added: The boss saw that I bought the wrong one, let it go out and throw it. I told him, keep it, what if you use it again?

There was a conflict with a muscular man in the bar, and the other party wanted to hit me. I said, "You don't ask me who I am?"
"Who are you?"
"I am a big brother, do you not afraid of dirty hands?"

Why do I often see my wife hang on the third, but rarely see her husband hurting the adulterer? Because Xiaosan is generally thinner than his wife, and the adulterer is generally better than his husband.

What do female friends ask me about 520?
I told her: It’s true that there is a common sense of life. 5 is the implementation of 5, implementing economic restructuring, implementing precise poverty alleviation, implementing social security, implementing environmental governance, and implementing anti-corruption. 2 is two, both Jinshanyin Mountain, green water and green hills, 0 is zero tolerance for illegal and criminal activities.

On the bus, it was crowded. I stood on the side of a big sister's seat. I couldn't stand it for a while. I said: Big sister, you said that you can sit on a bus and you don't have to sit down! I will pick up the bag for a while, stand up and sit down again, let me always think that you are about to get off! It hurts me ups and downs!
The big sister actually came to the sentence: girl, this is a fake action, can you understand?
I. . .

A few years ago, I went to K songs with my friends. I met his father and a enchanting woman. We all turned a blind eye. He ran up and said: Uncle and I went out to sing and didn’t bring money!
His father immediately gave 2000, but he said: Uncle is borrowing, my father will return you!
Also gave 2000, each separated. . .
Later, I heard him say, go home and tell his mother, reward 3000!
Ask him why: Give him his face there, you have to! This matter, his father is not right, you have to sue!

There was a girl in the class who took 60 points in the final exam and silently shed tears. I comforted her: "Don't be sad, this score is better than your face."

My wife was awkward with me. I tried my best to make all the stops to marry her. She still squinted and said four words: "Pearl match."
I carefully thought about it, and immediately I went to the bottom of the restaurant to buy two pounds of pork face, the pig face must be!
The wife is eating the pork face and said one word: "The pearl is the pearl of the pearl, the chain is the chain of the necklace, the bead chain must be!!!!"
I. . .

Husband: Wife, everything is between your hands!
Wife: Is it all between my arms?
Son: Mom, Dad said it’s right!
Wife: Why?
Son: Dad’s private money is hidden in the pocket behind your ass!

On weekends, I took a subway with my boyfriend and girlfriends. There are many people.
I am behind my boyfriend, my girlfriend is in front of my boyfriend, my mind is pumping, and I stretch my hand and rub it on my girlfriend’s hips.
My girlfriend looked back and looked at my boyfriend, then went closer to her boyfriend!
I am so sweet. . .

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